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19th February 2004

7:39pm: she looks so good in read
so yesterday my new hardcore love david(sorry martin) made me these amazing cds and so when i was at the gym today i could work out to circle takes the square,rise and rememebring never,and it was so good nice two hour workout, im really fucking getting into this, i can feel the pure radnes of my body happening over the next few months. So fiona was mena alst night and wouldnt let me rhave a bite on her burger, and now shes like refusing to by me stuff. I gota gte tkts for ataris tomorrow and myself some more stripey tops, say yes to stripey tops, well i have nout to say, i ahve not seen dan today oh yes how will i live

8th February 2004

7:42pm: dgjtyjktukmwhabhw3tqn
hell i just got a new journal so i shall add you soonish, im telling you this because you only one who reads it
4:24pm: well that told them
i changed my friendster to give any perosn who i use to go school with a message, not that they will ever see but if they do i want them to know, becasue im sick of them, on a happier note prophets tomorrow weeeeeeeeeee
3:50pm: you will drown in tears of your own regret
well i have been made to let her go, i dont want to but i have as much say in the situation as you the reader of this entry. Seems every single person from my past is still to this day just telling her not to be/spend time with me and this ahs had an efect, i cant think you can blame that though i was a prick and your peers influence your decisions and how you actually feel a lot of the time and arghhhhhhh its like yes i think that i have become possibly attached to her but not to the extent that i am all you know like that, she came up with reasons for why we shoudlnt speak, or do stuff and its all true and understandable because one of us will get hurt, one of us will get fully attached and one of us will feel alone but i didnt acre or dont because since she had come back into my life well i havent beens o happy,(ok its only been two weeks) but she is just magical and now its just me again, unsure about how/what i feela nd how/what im going to do. Its going to be so hard and i miss her already(hello only been two hours) but eventually i'll be ok, she is like knows what she wanst and stuff it isnt me but we knew this(me,u,her)and she seems like more posotive in what shes goping to do and in the end they eman a lot to her, but i think i may do too.
Well i hope everyone at crown woords feels happy, because i dont i just suggest they look at themselevs and their own lives before they judge me because they are all, if not more fucked up and have fucked up more than me.

im gettinga new lj soion just gota get a code well i havent much morwe to say than damn, i wish things were diffrent

5th February 2004

6:24pm: ........
so im thinking to myself right that im going to do this(lets say)thing, but now i realised im not, its awfully gay and stuff. Fiona wants to meet me tomorrow and if im honest i dont see why, not that i dont enjoy seeing her just what is the actual point, because stupid things will happen, ill get emo and argh argh argh you know the types right and basically they are boring moments although havent had one for a while, i think i will see tom instaed and stuff because he will be in london, not that as i say anything against her, she rocks just really tell me NO POINT REALLY NO POINT. So i get to see ETID now that will be fun i hope, i bet all thoe scary grunge kids will not like them because they dont sound like slipknot (*****************)! I was running about and for the firwst time in my life i felt almost liek a little kid, but im nearly 18, you know to ru8na bout and smile and do this. I have been told to go clubbing and find myself a gf, clubs are full of skanks but i need to get out and meet ppeople. Confused! anyways im all outa patience when writing about stuff
6:05pm: and even more cake
well today me and dan bought yet another b'day cake and ate that one, four of t6he fuckers now, twas rad. My legs ache from all the walking/exetrcise to burn off the cake and ting, argh its maria b'day and i feel fucked and stuff, today was really fun, most school days are, me and dan walked back there for sake of it, yes we are that cool init

4th February 2004

8:35pm: growling
today me and dan:
bought b'day cake and ate it
had polystinrine races(what the fuck?)
threw stone sin water at polystirine
ran up and down skate ramps for ages have races
ate custard
and talked shit

It was a lot of funa dn that is all, noone ever replys to my livejournal, dunno why i bother tut tut

3rd February 2004

7:27pm: in the event that everything should go terribly wrong
i just done some test(but they proabably talk crap) it said

Like just 11% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex.

Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you're a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver

well thats probaqbly not true, although people do think im a loser, 50% true maybe
4:37pm: next time you want to fuck me over, stab me in the front
so im again online i must have really got inot it, but the f4af mesageboard wont let me log in and stuff.
Today at college some men were handing out condoms for aids awareness, so i have emnay, so if you need them(cause face it i wont), then come to me people. I havent really been doing much just dossing, reading doing work etc, you know me typical bullshit

1st February 2004

5:03pm: .....................
she just told me to never speak to her again
4:37pm: we lie in the back of black cars
well shes ignoring me, haha fuck knows why i ahvent done anything excwept get slagged off by everyone she hangs around with, some people have it so hard.
1:17pm: knee deep in static i hear you breaking up.......
who you fuckin now? i use slit wrists to sign my name with............................
1:12pm: i'm the only one who degrades themselves!
so well its wierd, things are fucked, well maybe not that much but fucked, its funny you feel close to someone then you realise you are about as close as a 1000 mile distance and all you believed is worthless. i don't need this any more, im me trying to do what i do, and its never enough, people always try and fuck with that and im sick of it, i feel like im just a hobby for a person like them.
Current Mood: dead

29th January 2004

7:46pm: signal to noise
so i just ordered four cds off amazon.co.uk and well today was wierd lets just say, erm i thought things were cool but you looked sad, im sorry i never wnat to get to you, dont hate me!
glassjaw haved saved my life
1:14pm: ..........
well everything ws fina yet now she sent me a message saying she isnt coming round because she knows what i really think of her, but its not the case i swear on my life, shes got it into her head about something, but she just has to talk to me and things will be cool, if your reading just coem round and talk to em my dad goes at 2 until 8, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you refuse to speak to me just know that yesterday i was hurt because it was shuved in my face but i have never lied to you and now i am saying it doesnt mean a godamn thing, ok? a thing because after all last year i wont let a decision you made come between us because ima prick, i careabout you too much, just come please!!!!!!!!!!! we can just talk and stuff, and you say i cnat cope, the only thing i cnat cope with is when you run away like this and think i am angry or dislike you, just arghhh please come

28th January 2004

9:06am: how do you gauge loneliness? cause i've never felt so alone
so im here in media agin, so yes its true i am bored but never the less i must tell you about my life. So this morning i went for my usual morning atreyu fun, but i must have slipped over so many times because of the ice so that sucked serious bums, so many people in cars have never laughed at me since they went "haha look at that guys breasts" and such! Me and fiona went to early november, hipv were excellent but early november were a bit dull bless them, fi got all sad and emo so i took off my shirt and gave it to her, she seemed very happy, big smiles all round, but my nipples got cold because all i had on was thursday jumper, but she was all msiles and stuff it was really rad.

today im going brand new will be fun although it could be shit like converge, but yes hell if you read i shall get there at like 6, so hehe see you later, and fi if you wana see me just ring inijt, bye bye bluds

25th January 2004

7:06pm: rapekissing jesus
so im sittoing here yet again, im really liking this whole using the net regurly thingy but anyways, fioan rang(it was a delight nether the less), but she said i was arrogant about my grades im not, all my life ive been called thick etc im just a wee bit confused im doing well, that is all.
early novemnber tyomnorrow we are going with dave and martin shall be rad, i think i will try my hardest to look hardcore, as i am(right?hehe)
anyways bye
12:19pm: her middle name was boom
i thought it was fitting for my mood to listen to GLASSjaw, and stuff, dont you hate it when even if not the case you feel as if the world is out to get you?
11:47am: he can't believe a thing you say, "where going nowhere, and fair is fair"
well im sitting here its very early considering i went to bed at 4, yet ive been up two hours, and have already worked out, given myself a headache and done some media work, i shall do more aswell, well i guess so. So i am fuckin in one of those moods that i dunno its just arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, every fuckin thing wants to get to me, if its not 1 thing its another or another and i' have had it up to here(thats very high btw), and argh fuck! I wasn't going to go out tomorrow but fuck it i shall, and i shall gte my hai cut short init
i am feeling wierd so i hsall go, fuck fuck fuck fuck blah blah blah blah
ps-converge were fuckin shit

22nd January 2004

6:05pm: if all you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like nails
so yesterday i had english and claire made me play her emo becqause sabrina had mentioned it a lot and wanted to know what it was and we just talked for the whole lesson again, she is truly fuckin rad i like her muchly and afterwards i walked her to door and ran into sabrina and mohammed who wanted to see my ever so sexy hunk of metal sow e did and ting. Then ik went home,ate and went to astoria to see drive thru bands. In the line i saw leon's old friend alex and he was street teaming yet he kept giving me evils etc, thought nothing of it. Inside they came up to me drunk told me i was hated, wwas a joke, prick etc, now to me that is truly pointless, and it went on for about 10 minutes until i moved. Now i know that at gigs i have done this to martyy, etc but it was so lame seriously, but to my credit i just didnt even say a thing, they are jeaulous because i look better than them, and have more scene points haha, well maybe. Hidden in plain view were excellent, early november were ok, then i oleft hate allister and homegrown. Went hmv picked up bleeding through album. Now i know a lot of hxc kids hate them but my god this album is so fuckin good, like really it is, i cant explain it itys just good. Im actually glad brandan left 18 visions to start the band now, anyways.
So went all you can eat buffet with dan and ashley, me and dan are in libary at college, and i fel so sick because i did eat, all i could, then we went lidls got cheap drink(fizzy!), then to see if fiona is biscuits was there, sadly not, but blu tack was blah blah, went to college etc etc, off to see sabrina and peps downstairs. i UNDERSTAND I HAVE WRITTEN THIS IN A BORING STYLE AND STUFF BUIT HEY WHAT CAN YOU DO, WELL ill get in at 7 and be so bored, emo it is then..................

21st January 2004

10:20am: "What Kind of Smile are You?" - Results:

You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly everything and is constantly wondering about what could have been.You're not happy with your situation and usually blame yourself because of the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.
Paste this code into your web page to show off your result to others:

You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.

What Kind of Smile are You?
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well it said i was emo what a joke, argh man, maybe its true
9:32am: did you know my sweet, that i took the liberty of watching you in your sleep
so im currently in media and danial just so hasnt even bothered to turn up, so me,maria,sophia, and mike are here doing work and ting, they are know talking about the releasing of bodily fluids, so as you can imagine alls fun in here. So i got a msg off sabrina last night saying she wants to see my piercing later,oh ive never been so liked in all my life, shame its a piece of metal doing it and all. We'll probably end up going chinese

19th January 2004

4:54pm: i cherish you, just say you would do the same for me
well i have just finished english and my teacher does my media lesson on fridays and erm got feedback on my essay. "brilliant" not bad said i sound like chev guerrura(or whatever his name is), i havent the slighest clue what he stood for, but she said i was very articulate, powerfull and that its essay like that which can make you become blacklisted, which is a good thing, i mean i know on here i am not the type of person to write posts like i would do an essay etc so it in the end people may possibly think i cant write for shit but guiess what, i can.
spoke to fiona for so long yesterday was much radness chat, she kept not believing the things i would say but i now have like many fionaisms sorted so test me beitch test me :0! I felt at times maybe just mayeb i was like well close to getting her to be intrested in me and when in my head im loike yay yay shed say sumin to counter act that so that isnt good, she is a hard one to crack but im going to do everything in my power to gte that girl, like obviously i cant just do it, and i probablky wont but i'll try because she means a lot. I know iu do fuckin stupid stuff, and i hurt her, and maybe i react to things in the wrong way but when it comes down to it i would do anything for her, i want to make her happy, i want to be important to her in some way and i want her to think mof me and smile not think that cunt! Like the email quite possibly ruined a lot of things for me but i really am a diffrent person in intrests lesuire etc, like yes it was fuckin stupid and by doing it hurt/let her down but it was one thing, in life we maybe slip up do what we shoudlnt or dont mean to but that doesnt make thee are everyday defining qualities, its the wanting to cook her, be there when shes in pain, talk to her make her feel better, go cinema, go gallerys(if you read this we are so going tate and it is final so nah!), go to parks and shit like honestly i want her more than anything in my life but i just enjoy the air around her, phone calls to her are just beautiful moments because she listens to me and laughs and i know shes smiling and it makes me feel like i have a purpose and i do something right i also ruin things from time to time but after the past few good months we have shared i wouldnt like to think that 1 email has completly changed everything, i wont let it. Like on friday i am cooking her dinner(yes i am and you will eat it, low in calorie,high in taste its all good stuff) and even if i dont get her baqck iw ant us to talk often, to go out often, to be there for one another often because its how it should be wether in relatiuonship sense, or just close sense all i know is yes last week i fucked up bad but i just got to put it behind me dust myself off and just continue like i ahd been doing previous to that because the cinema was a perfect example =pure bliss with a beautiful girl i can say anything to and time isnt a problem because it goes so well. Yes these are words and its all about actions in reality but fiona my dear watch thius space i promise you.

other news i boughyt biscuits but didnt eat them so i wrote fiona in hbisuctits and blu tacked them to a bench,(i thought it was preety cool, anyway)

18th January 2004

6:44pm: yey
i forgot how much fun it is vcalling starngers cunts for no reason, long live messageboards
5:14pm: i updated photobucket dan just go to the site and serach up john_is_a_Poser
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